hello? is there anybody in there?

 ah. so again, i did what I always do and kinda like, forgot this place existed. but then again, life happens? is that a shitty excuse? maybe. 

well, i met someone. well not necessarily, we "reconnected". he was an old boyfriend of mine that didnt really count as a boyfriend? i mean it was middle school. does that count? i mean, who's timeline and definition am i going based off of here anyways?

anyways, i saw him this weekend. and it was nice. it was refreshing actually. but quite scary. like alot scary. i keep asking myself am i really ready to jump into something else? does he deserve me dumping myself on him? he's everything im not used to. he's actually quite stable and i crave that more than anything. i dont want to say that i cant stand on my own two feet, but can i really? can i be independent? i've never really been independent. ive always depended on someone else in some form.

whats unfathomable for me, in a way, is the fact that i have to get used to someone TOTALLY new. and when i mean new, i really mean it. the type of men i used to date are nothing compared to him. im used to like jumping in with both feet and giving it my all. i always have. i love with my whole heart. i give everything right away. maybe i shouldnt, but i always have. and hes over here like "wait, let's take it slow" and i cant help but second guess and hold back and i wonder if im not being true or fair to myself? im not saying like i say "i love you" on the first day or anything but ive realised things about myself that ive been holding back. and now that i WANT to express them i have to hold back again. is that like part of it? is that part of being mature? is that part of a mature, healthy relationship? because let me be honest here, if I were to paint a picture of my ideal guy, it's him. Blue eyes, dimples, he's respectful, he has the facial hair and i dont have to take care of him. he even has a slight british accent. its unfair. its refreshing. it's like, yes, the universe answered my prayers for my next relationship being a serious healthy relationship and hopefully my last, but also telling me hey, you also gotta work at it and take your time with it. and thats a little frustrating but, hopefully its worth it.

he's making me second guess everything. and usually i just blurt out whatever comes to mind. but then again, maybe thats a good thing. me blurting out whatever is on my mind has often gotten me into trouble in the past. he wants open, honest communication. he wants pretty much most, if not all the same things i want since i was a young girl imagining the perfect man. so, i'd like to think that it's worth the trouble and discomfort that im going to feel for a little while. but im also hella out of my depth here. and im not sure the control freak in me likes that very much.

honestly, at this point in my life, i just want to love someone and be loved by someone and be happy with my life. im so done with all the suffering. i'd like to think that maybe i deserve it...sorta.

we'll get there...