now if you look to your right...

 you'll see me hitting rock bottom on another bipolar cycle. yeehaw. we love it. lost the guy i was seeing...but i mean maybe this time i did the right thing? he was obsessive over my location and whatnot....that's toxic, right?

I wish i had someone to talk to about this stuff to see if i did the right thing. i wish i didnt always second guess my actions and decisions. im trying to get better but its just so hard. not only does my motivation waver but also, everything i experience in life has an impact. it's like trudging upstream in a muddy river. and it's not like the pills help either. no one ever tells you about the pills. that the very pills keeping your mind alive and functioning are the same ones killing your physical self. there is never a moment when im not nauseous. Never a moment when my heart isn't trying to evacuate from my body. never a moment when im not somehow dehydrated even though i just drank something two seconds ago.

but it's all worth it to keep me alive i suppose. no one really considers u sick unless it shows physically. that sucks ass, but its how it is.

have you ever been a 30 something year old and get yelled at by your mother in front of your son? yea, its not fun at all. as she yelled at me, i saw the man who raised her and my uncle; my grandfather. i could see him in her face and the way she moved her mouth and yelled at me. her choice of words are courtesy of my grandmother and years of growing up with out her, i guess. immediately, i was no long a grown adult with my own child, i was that scared 13/14 yr old teen thats getting yelled at by her mother for not submitting to her will. for not seeing things in her way. for not letting her cut me off and yell at me. i was that little girl again. gone was all that stuff i learned in the hospital and i just didnt know what to do...

all i knew was that i was such a dumb person for thinking things with my mom were going to get better. to think that i could relax with her around. at this point, i know she has her side and whatnot, but in this case its my narrative and how i view things. she can reject the fact that i was a failed investment all she wants. but, im not saying that out of hate, im being more logical in that aspect. i dont know if she lashes out because of guilt or if she really is upset that i would think that. but again, everything she has ever shown t me up to this point has led me to believe that i was kinda like a failed project.

i will totally give my parents credit, as i am now a parent as well with a kid i have absolutely no idea how to handle, my mom didnt know what to do with me. my family doesnt talk about feelings and mental health and here i am, showing signs of mental health issues at 12. what made me sad was that they didnt really seem to mak emuch of an effort to understand my perspective, my mom thought it was the influence of the books and songs i was listening to. the only thing she would be correct is that these books and such not only gave me solace but vivid dreams. so theres that. 

i dont know if its just part of my personality or if it really is a sign of trauma or something, justifyng peoples actions towards me. is that a trauma response? making excuses for everyone that harms me? telling myself i deserved it anyways for hoping things would be better or because i let my guard down.

so now i am back to being alone. and i think that maybe that's how i was meant to be this lifetime. all i know is that my bones are staring to hurt and my brain feels like its nearing 60. i guess we'll find out what at least 10+ years of psych meds does to a body.

but then again, God has a funny sense of humor so if he has any say in it i'll probably live to be 100+ or something just for fun. i just hope it doesnt take that long for me to get my life together....i want to be able to stand on my own two feet and be able to be at that level...i guess mmaybe im expecting too much of myself too soon. but even when i try to celebrate even the smallest victories, like getting out of bed, my mom is ther to remind me that its not enough and that if you aren productive with ur day(which doesnt include just existing) youve been a poor excuse of space. it hurts on the days i cane barely get out of bed, or when the house doesnt look visibly cleaned...

i recognise the effort made to point out the cleaning ive done, but sometimes it feels robotic or like theyre holding back ways i could have done the job better and with less waste. usually something.

at this point i feel like it has to be me wanting to get better for myself, not for my son. i feel like i may turn into those i despise the most. i know and i will always have to remind myself that my sons not going to do stuff for me and that i should do things for him expecting some return down the line. i feel like that would build resentment in me losing all those years and money into him when he does something not considered successful in my eyes. thats how i feel they see me. maybe failed investment is too harsh? i just know now more than ever that i NEED to find a way to pull myself out of this and get my life together because its time and i want my kid to have that. i honestly dont even know if he respects me anymore. he told me in the car today "why did you have to talk back? you've shouldnt have talked back." i dont know how to process this. i still dont. i guess thats why i came back here. my brain is working overtime about everything thats happened. i just need to write it all down....i dont even know if any of this makes sense. does anyone actually read this? like i wish i could talk to my starry eyed boy again. but y'know, he left reaaaaalll quick. i wonder whats preventing him from coming back, lik is he truly done or does he just feel bad and is trying to save face? early morning musings... does my baby daddy miss me, i wonder? i miss the girl i was with him. maybe no so muchthe behavior but the way i felt, i guess. i know i need to let the one i met here go for the sake of my sanity but i feel like im runing away and giving up. how insane is that?

ugh, i think im done with this tangent, wonder when ill be back, not like it matters but it does feel nice to writing it out. i just wish my hands werent locked up but eh.

might as well...

I dont actually know if anyone reads this or knows it exists but seeing as how it's my little corner of the internet to leave behind something to prove I even existed. 

Well what the hell, might as well try this living thing since it seems im going to be here for a while. Ugh.

is it you?

Now im just not able to come up with titles.... It's getting cold. And I miss you. There's like a sense of longing that I've never experienced before. Well, I have similar experience but that was different. The main feeling behind it is the same just the colors are different. I see everyone and everything with colors. Everyone has colors that apply to them in my world. They are like living pieces of the person's personality. It's so funny that your colors are some of my favorite. Those colors aren't the same anymore. They haven't been since my dad passed but u brought some brightness back. This sucks. But maybe I deserve it. Maybe I need to work on me before u can come back. Idk honestly. I just know that right now I'm hurting because of so much and I'm just doing what I need to to just exist. If my son didn't need me I would be a whisper on the wind. I've tried so many times, but I always get my way in the end.

crack...that's my heart breaking.

I know you will never see this. But then again maybe you will...you had mentioned once that you read this...I dont think that's the case anymore but I'll gladly believe it.

I hurt. Everyday. I miss you so much. It hurts. I am hurting so badly. I wish you could come back. I wish things could be different. That I didn't have to go thru my life alone but I guess that's my punishment. 

I may have had good things happen to me but when they get bad, it's really bad. 

I cry and hug myself every night wishing it was you instead. I would stay up all night with you for the rest of my life if it meant u would come back. 

by the way i love bts.

 now that we've got that out of the way AGAIN. i suck at consistency? im honestly never surprised but i have hope ill get there someday. i just wish i didn't get distracted so often. ugh

its been nice so far, doing stuff around the house, building a home i guess...cleaning is not so fun but i dont really mind. i just just i had more spoons. and theres that aspect of feeling lonely at times, but then at the same time, i can't stand people. im not sure whats wrong with me these days. I crave human contact but i also just become nauseated at the idea. its frustrating.

i feel like, this relationship i had for the past 6 years, this thing we were trapped in became the norm and when everything fell out and i ended up losing my two best friends and the person i thought was the love of my life. i have my faults in what happened, but at the same time, i can't wrap my mind around what actually happened. its makes no sense; based off everything, i should have "won" but i didnt. i guess, in the end, i won anyways because of what im experiencing right now.

it's like a journey with myself, i mean, i still want companionship, maybe, but i think im also okay with being an old swamp witch. with my animals. because "Reindeers are better than people..." and also if i act like the crack head psycho im slowly turning into they dont look at me wierd lol its a win/win situation. 

but for real; just like that phoenix i have; i will always rise from the ashes. thats whats so crazy about this illness i have. how one day i can think the world is falling apart and then i can wake up a couple days later and feel okay. its fucked but maybe this is my karma from a past life. "BOOM!" you now have all the illnesses but u cannot die, u must learn lesson. that would be me lol

i guess just keep swimming. 

thats what ill do....

for now.

la la la merry xmas?

 whew. um, well, lemme see.... its been a freaking whirlwind since ive last written anything. first of all. i love BTS. now that ive established that once more moving on.... my dog hurt her leg. i dont feel like explaining much of anything these days but basically her ligaments are gone and theres no way to fix it to how it was before. im not too suree what i want to do. i may just leave it to heal on its own and see what comes of it. the vet said that was an option too. 

my child, got sick again. i guess thats what happens when you lick the waterfountain? ive come to the conclusion that males are extremely dumb. but like their stupidity baffles me. and then again my downfall is that im stupid enough to need them in my life one way or another.

ugh how do you make friends? is that like a thing nowadays? do people do that? lately i find myself having a hard time relating to people and talking to them and im slowly coming to the conclusion that im probably going to be alone for the rest of my life. 

my ex keeps telling me to not let the "intrusive thoughts" win. well, theyve always said that. but i mean i see why. i get thoughts of revenge on my ex's partner. and at first, its because i was still attatched and now its more like the principle of the thing? idk? obviously, never going to happen. my conscience wouldnt allow it. as in my mother. lol besides its all talk. unfortunately, this may come back to bite me in the ass but either way i feel like it needed to be written because in a way this is how all my emotions are feeling right now. all jumbled up. theres so much going on. like ugh.

meh. i purple you.

hello? is there anybody in there?

 ah. so again, i did what I always do and kinda like, forgot this place existed. but then again, life happens? is that a shitty excuse? maybe. 

well, i met someone. well not necessarily, we "reconnected". he was an old boyfriend of mine that didnt really count as a boyfriend? i mean it was middle school. does that count? i mean, who's timeline and definition am i going based off of here anyways?

anyways, i saw him this weekend. and it was nice. it was refreshing actually. but quite scary. like alot scary. i keep asking myself am i really ready to jump into something else? does he deserve me dumping myself on him? he's everything im not used to. he's actually quite stable and i crave that more than anything. i dont want to say that i cant stand on my own two feet, but can i really? can i be independent? i've never really been independent. ive always depended on someone else in some form.

whats unfathomable for me, in a way, is the fact that i have to get used to someone TOTALLY new. and when i mean new, i really mean it. the type of men i used to date are nothing compared to him. im used to like jumping in with both feet and giving it my all. i always have. i love with my whole heart. i give everything right away. maybe i shouldnt, but i always have. and hes over here like "wait, let's take it slow" and i cant help but second guess and hold back and i wonder if im not being true or fair to myself? im not saying like i say "i love you" on the first day or anything but ive realised things about myself that ive been holding back. and now that i WANT to express them i have to hold back again. is that like part of it? is that part of being mature? is that part of a mature, healthy relationship? because let me be honest here, if I were to paint a picture of my ideal guy, it's him. Blue eyes, dimples, he's respectful, he has the facial hair and i dont have to take care of him. he even has a slight british accent. its unfair. its refreshing. it's like, yes, the universe answered my prayers for my next relationship being a serious healthy relationship and hopefully my last, but also telling me hey, you also gotta work at it and take your time with it. and thats a little frustrating but, hopefully its worth it.

he's making me second guess everything. and usually i just blurt out whatever comes to mind. but then again, maybe thats a good thing. me blurting out whatever is on my mind has often gotten me into trouble in the past. he wants open, honest communication. he wants pretty much most, if not all the same things i want since i was a young girl imagining the perfect man. so, i'd like to think that it's worth the trouble and discomfort that im going to feel for a little while. but im also hella out of my depth here. and im not sure the control freak in me likes that very much.

honestly, at this point in my life, i just want to love someone and be loved by someone and be happy with my life. im so done with all the suffering. i'd like to think that maybe i deserve it...sorta.

we'll get there...