now that we've got that out of the way AGAIN. i suck at consistency? im honestly never surprised but i have hope ill get there someday. i just wish i didn't get distracted so often. ugh
its been nice so far, doing stuff around the house, building a home i guess...cleaning is not so fun but i dont really mind. i just just i had more spoons. and theres that aspect of feeling lonely at times, but then at the same time, i can't stand people. im not sure whats wrong with me these days. I crave human contact but i also just become nauseated at the idea. its frustrating.
i feel like, this relationship i had for the past 6 years, this thing we were trapped in became the norm and when everything fell out and i ended up losing my two best friends and the person i thought was the love of my life. i have my faults in what happened, but at the same time, i can't wrap my mind around what actually happened. its makes no sense; based off everything, i should have "won" but i didnt. i guess, in the end, i won anyways because of what im experiencing right now.
it's like a journey with myself, i mean, i still want companionship, maybe, but i think im also okay with being an old swamp witch. with my animals. because "Reindeers are better than people..." and also if i act like the crack head psycho im slowly turning into they dont look at me wierd lol its a win/win situation.
but for real; just like that phoenix i have; i will always rise from the ashes. thats whats so crazy about this illness i have. how one day i can think the world is falling apart and then i can wake up a couple days later and feel okay. its fucked but maybe this is my karma from a past life. "BOOM!" you now have all the illnesses but u cannot die, u must learn lesson. that would be me lol
i guess just keep swimming.
thats what ill do....
for now.
