you'll see me hitting rock bottom on another bipolar cycle. yeehaw. we love it. lost the guy i was seeing...but i mean maybe this time i did the right thing? he was obsessive over my location and whatnot....that's toxic, right?
I wish i had someone to talk to about this stuff to see if i did the right thing. i wish i didnt always second guess my actions and decisions. im trying to get better but its just so hard. not only does my motivation waver but also, everything i experience in life has an impact. it's like trudging upstream in a muddy river. and it's not like the pills help either. no one ever tells you about the pills. that the very pills keeping your mind alive and functioning are the same ones killing your physical self. there is never a moment when im not nauseous. Never a moment when my heart isn't trying to evacuate from my body. never a moment when im not somehow dehydrated even though i just drank something two seconds ago.
but it's all worth it to keep me alive i suppose. no one really considers u sick unless it shows physically. that sucks ass, but its how it is.
have you ever been a 30 something year old and get yelled at by your mother in front of your son? yea, its not fun at all. as she yelled at me, i saw the man who raised her and my uncle; my grandfather. i could see him in her face and the way she moved her mouth and yelled at me. her choice of words are courtesy of my grandmother and years of growing up with out her, i guess. immediately, i was no long a grown adult with my own child, i was that scared 13/14 yr old teen thats getting yelled at by her mother for not submitting to her will. for not seeing things in her way. for not letting her cut me off and yell at me. i was that little girl again. gone was all that stuff i learned in the hospital and i just didnt know what to do...
all i knew was that i was such a dumb person for thinking things with my mom were going to get better. to think that i could relax with her around. at this point, i know she has her side and whatnot, but in this case its my narrative and how i view things. she can reject the fact that i was a failed investment all she wants. but, im not saying that out of hate, im being more logical in that aspect. i dont know if she lashes out because of guilt or if she really is upset that i would think that. but again, everything she has ever shown t me up to this point has led me to believe that i was kinda like a failed project.
i will totally give my parents credit, as i am now a parent as well with a kid i have absolutely no idea how to handle, my mom didnt know what to do with me. my family doesnt talk about feelings and mental health and here i am, showing signs of mental health issues at 12. what made me sad was that they didnt really seem to mak emuch of an effort to understand my perspective, my mom thought it was the influence of the books and songs i was listening to. the only thing she would be correct is that these books and such not only gave me solace but vivid dreams. so theres that.
i dont know if its just part of my personality or if it really is a sign of trauma or something, justifyng peoples actions towards me. is that a trauma response? making excuses for everyone that harms me? telling myself i deserved it anyways for hoping things would be better or because i let my guard down.
so now i am back to being alone. and i think that maybe that's how i was meant to be this lifetime. all i know is that my bones are staring to hurt and my brain feels like its nearing 60. i guess we'll find out what at least 10+ years of psych meds does to a body.
but then again, God has a funny sense of humor so if he has any say in it i'll probably live to be 100+ or something just for fun. i just hope it doesnt take that long for me to get my life together....i want to be able to stand on my own two feet and be able to be at that level...i guess mmaybe im expecting too much of myself too soon. but even when i try to celebrate even the smallest victories, like getting out of bed, my mom is ther to remind me that its not enough and that if you aren productive with ur day(which doesnt include just existing) youve been a poor excuse of space. it hurts on the days i cane barely get out of bed, or when the house doesnt look visibly cleaned...
i recognise the effort made to point out the cleaning ive done, but sometimes it feels robotic or like theyre holding back ways i could have done the job better and with less waste. usually something.
at this point i feel like it has to be me wanting to get better for myself, not for my son. i feel like i may turn into those i despise the most. i know and i will always have to remind myself that my sons not going to do stuff for me and that i should do things for him expecting some return down the line. i feel like that would build resentment in me losing all those years and money into him when he does something not considered successful in my eyes. thats how i feel they see me. maybe failed investment is too harsh? i just know now more than ever that i NEED to find a way to pull myself out of this and get my life together because its time and i want my kid to have that. i honestly dont even know if he respects me anymore. he told me in the car today "why did you have to talk back? you've shouldnt have talked back." i dont know how to process this. i still dont. i guess thats why i came back here. my brain is working overtime about everything thats happened. i just need to write it all down....i dont even know if any of this makes sense. does anyone actually read this? like i wish i could talk to my starry eyed boy again. but y'know, he left reaaaaalll quick. i wonder whats preventing him from coming back, lik is he truly done or does he just feel bad and is trying to save face? early morning musings... does my baby daddy miss me, i wonder? i miss the girl i was with him. maybe no so muchthe behavior but the way i felt, i guess. i know i need to let the one i met here go for the sake of my sanity but i feel like im runing away and giving up. how insane is that?
ugh, i think im done with this tangent, wonder when ill be back, not like it matters but it does feel nice to writing it out. i just wish my hands werent locked up but eh.
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