Well, I gave the link to this blog to the friends I think I have? I'm terrified of that as well. Only because these thoughts are kinda personal but then again I kind of asked for it when I sent the links huh?
I kinda regret it now. I liked it when I was the only one who knew about this place. It was nice while it lasted but then again who cares?
I have a friend who I've had mad love for, for years. We've been friends since we were children. What was once a stupid crush turned into a steady love for him. And it's not even romantic. I just think the world of him and want the best for him. I just wish he opened up to me more.
But thats the problem I seem to have always had. I want closeness with someone. I want to be someone's favorite person. I mean, im my sons whole world but that doesn't count because that's a different kind of closeness. I want that you're my best friend and I can tell you anything without judgement kind of closeness. I want the closeness of like a romantic relationship without the romance maybe? I'm not sure how to describe it without it sounding wierd as hell.
But I guess it just makes me feel even more lonely when I learn that the person I thought was number one in my life has a different number one. Makes me feel like I gave more than they did. But maybe and probably that's my fault for giving too much. I always give my everything to every relationship I have. And I get hurt just about every time. Even when it doesn't seem like it, I still do. Maybe I did some bad stuff in my past life. Who knows?
But again as I think that the voice comes back telling me to stfu because no one actually gives a shit about what I have to say. And you know what?
That's a sad truth I've become accustomed to. And im okay with it now.
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