hello? is there anybody in there?

 ah. so again, i did what I always do and kinda like, forgot this place existed. but then again, life happens? is that a shitty excuse? maybe. 

well, i met someone. well not necessarily, we "reconnected". he was an old boyfriend of mine that didnt really count as a boyfriend? i mean it was middle school. does that count? i mean, who's timeline and definition am i going based off of here anyways?

anyways, i saw him this weekend. and it was nice. it was refreshing actually. but quite scary. like alot scary. i keep asking myself am i really ready to jump into something else? does he deserve me dumping myself on him? he's everything im not used to. he's actually quite stable and i crave that more than anything. i dont want to say that i cant stand on my own two feet, but can i really? can i be independent? i've never really been independent. ive always depended on someone else in some form.

whats unfathomable for me, in a way, is the fact that i have to get used to someone TOTALLY new. and when i mean new, i really mean it. the type of men i used to date are nothing compared to him. im used to like jumping in with both feet and giving it my all. i always have. i love with my whole heart. i give everything right away. maybe i shouldnt, but i always have. and hes over here like "wait, let's take it slow" and i cant help but second guess and hold back and i wonder if im not being true or fair to myself? im not saying like i say "i love you" on the first day or anything but ive realised things about myself that ive been holding back. and now that i WANT to express them i have to hold back again. is that like part of it? is that part of being mature? is that part of a mature, healthy relationship? because let me be honest here, if I were to paint a picture of my ideal guy, it's him. Blue eyes, dimples, he's respectful, he has the facial hair and i dont have to take care of him. he even has a slight british accent. its unfair. its refreshing. it's like, yes, the universe answered my prayers for my next relationship being a serious healthy relationship and hopefully my last, but also telling me hey, you also gotta work at it and take your time with it. and thats a little frustrating but, hopefully its worth it.

he's making me second guess everything. and usually i just blurt out whatever comes to mind. but then again, maybe thats a good thing. me blurting out whatever is on my mind has often gotten me into trouble in the past. he wants open, honest communication. he wants pretty much most, if not all the same things i want since i was a young girl imagining the perfect man. so, i'd like to think that it's worth the trouble and discomfort that im going to feel for a little while. but im also hella out of my depth here. and im not sure the control freak in me likes that very much.

honestly, at this point in my life, i just want to love someone and be loved by someone and be happy with my life. im so done with all the suffering. i'd like to think that maybe i deserve it...sorta.

we'll get there...

favorites?

 Am I the only one who never really sat down and thought about their favorite things? you know, those things people ask you about when they're trying to get to know you? ive never actually sat down and thought about it because, honestly, i dont really have favourite things. i have favorite people and i guess thats a hell of a lot different.

I have Borderline Personality disorder as well as Bipolar disorder. i mean, you can obviously tell im a crazy person by what i write anyways so what surprise is it that im confirming it? i mean, those obviously arent my only diagnoses but theyre the major ones. I have a habit of collecting illnesses. so my mom says. its just nice to have a better understanding of what the fuck is going on in my head. its nice to have a name for it, for the madness. it means that im not the only one who thinks like this. its impossible. 

but anyways, with BPD i read that the person who has it often changes their personality to fit the person they're with. and when i read that, i realised it was true for when i was younger, now that im older not so much. im still a version of myself, i just choose which attributes to amplify or quiet down depending on who im around. survival instincts if you'll call it i guess. 

I mean i guess i cant say i was never genuine? i was just me the best way i knew how. recently moving up north and being alone with just my kid and my thoughts have given me a chance to, i dont know, establish who i am as a person? does that make sense? im bascially playing that catchup to everyone else with things people knew in fucking kindergarten already. like bro, i couldnt even fucking decide on a favorite color and im still not completely convinced. i have different reasons for liking each color so i usually just tell people my least favourite. 

i dont even really have a favourite food, my relationship with food is prettyfuckingbad. bad as in i dont eat? i dont know....

well im gonna stop here cuz i got distracted by the loves of my life; BTS. 

rainn

Can you keep a secret? I'm terrified of thunderstorms. There's one happening right now and that's why I'm double posting tonight. I can't sleep for shit because thunderstorms scare the shit out of me. My sons father was the only person I think I told that to. He was the only one who knew that about me. 

Well, I gave the link to this blog to the friends I think I have? I'm terrified of that as well. Only because these thoughts are kinda personal but then again I kind of asked for it when I sent the links huh?

I kinda regret it now. I liked it when I was the only one who knew about this place. It was nice while it lasted but then again who cares?

I have a friend who I've had mad love for, for years. We've been friends since we were children. What was once a stupid crush turned into a steady love for him. And it's not even romantic. I just think the world of him and want the best for him. I just wish he opened up to me more.

But thats the problem I seem to have always had. I want closeness with someone. I want to be someone's favorite person. I mean, im my sons whole world but that doesn't count because that's a different kind of closeness. I want that you're my best friend and I can tell you anything without judgement kind of closeness. I want the closeness of like a romantic relationship without the romance maybe? I'm not sure how to describe it without it sounding wierd as hell. 

But I guess it just makes me feel even more lonely when I learn that the person I thought was number one in my life has a different number one. Makes me feel like I gave more than they did. But maybe and probably that's my fault for giving too much. I always give my everything to every relationship I have. And I get hurt just about every time. Even when it doesn't seem like it, I still do. Maybe I did some bad stuff in my past life. Who knows?

But again as I think that the voice comes back telling me to stfu because no one actually gives a shit about what I have to say. And you know what?

That's a sad truth I've become accustomed to. And im okay with it now.

too much

 That's what I've been told about myself. i'm too much. maybe not those exact words, but i can read between the lines, like i get what you're putting down. I just wish you had the balls to tell it to my face.

Ive started this new thing. ever since I moved up north, i've kept my "suffering" to myself. I used to complain to the high heavens that I was hurting and whatnot because, God, that made me feel better. But now? Now, i'm keeping my thoughts to myself. well maybe not to myself anymore, im writing them down on here. but then again, who's going to see this after all? 

im debating throwing the link to this blog at my friends and seeing what happens...but then again i feel like i'd be asking for attention. does that make sense? it's a constant battle in my head. between suffering in silence and letting others know that i'm not okay. because you know, thats how i was raised; to suffer in silence. I am hispanic after all, we dont talk about our problems out loud. we keep going no matter what. but i'm also here to break that. I want to break that. i want to be a role model for my son and let him know that no matter what happens, it's okay to talk about your problems. but at the same time it's like, everyone else is going through their shit, some of it is worse than mine, what makes mine so much more important that i think it's okay to throw it upon another person?

all i know, is that lately, something is missing within me. I feel like i'm dead. like im not here anymore. i recognize this feeling. it's familiar, but i havent felt it since i was a child. it scares the crap out of me. i want to cry so badly, but i cant. i dont know why, but i just can't. it fucking hurts. theres this deep, deep hurt thats been festering in my soul for months now and i dont know what to do about it or how to fix it. im scared ill never be able to fix it no matter the amount of therapy or drugs i take. 

i keep going because, i need to take care of my son. i need to take care of my mom. she wont admit it but she's falling apart. i can see it. the grief of losing my dad and her dad have eaten her up inside. seeing my grandmother, her mom, slowly lose her memory and lose all ability to care for herself is killing her too. i can see it's eating her up inside. my mom isnt the same person anymore. her house isnt to the same standards as it used to be, her clothes arent either. her general being isnt the same, the vibe, i guess, has changed and its one of the elephants that we're all scared to talk about.

my brother has checked out and that's alright. he was the one carrying "the burden" for years. I'm the black sheep. i do everything against the current. to be quite honest, im pretty sure that as much as my mom says she's proud, i know shes immensely disappointed in how i turned out. i feel it, i sense it, i see it, everyday. my mom, she loves me, but she doesnt necessarily like me. and im okay with that now. ive learned to accept that. because i told myself i woould grow up to be different, that my children wouldnt be afraid of me, they wouldnt be afraid to be themselves around me, like i was around her growing up.

i went off topic, so much has been brewing within me the last few days and i guess i need to let it out. I dont know what to do with myself anymore. i dont know who i am or what im supposed to be doing except for the fact that i take care of my son. other than that, i have nothing, i know nothing. even the people i thought would be around forever, well, thats changing too. the usual, they have their own problems too.

so i took a page from my moms book. i have become quiet on whats going on with me. and honestly? not one of my friends has noticed enough to really press on about it. if they ever answer my texts. but, again, thats okay. i have to remind myself im stuck in this constant battle because i constantly feel selfish for talking about my problems with people because everyone else has it so much more worse than me or whatever. besides, my complaints are the same old song and dance so who gives a shit anyways?

this constant cycle of emptiness that i feel because of the mental illnesses i have, fuel this vicious cycle of wanting to tell everyone that im not okay and i never have been. im only okay when im with my people. and the small voice in my head telling me all the time that im just an attention whore looking for attention and that no one actually cares about what i have to say. maybe thats true. maybe no one cares. maybe thats why i have no friends? 

thats the scary part i think. that my friends have no idea just how much power they have. i live for my friends (and my son) and though that sounds stupid, its how im built. my life, is based off my emotions, lucky me. so of course, my friends influence so much in my life. i made the mistake of pushing one of them too far and they threw me hard into the friend zone. so hard my head was spinning and i was so deeply and irrevocably hurt. but at the same time, i understood it. i mean, who would want me? who could love me? im crazy. im broken, im delusional? is that the right word? oh, yea, im "too much". but i get it too. i know im a lot. so when people reject me it makes sense to me because if i were them, id reject me too. but its like, that rejection was the final nail in the coffin. and yea, you can say im overdramatic but again, i live my life based off my emotions. i wish, he knew just how much he truly hurt me. not just like my ego, but my soul. because when i love someone, i love with my whole being. i give everything. go hard or go home y'know? so when he rejected me it wasn't just a bruised ego i had. i felt like a piece of my soul had shattered. because i felt like he understood me, and he knew me on a level no one else did. but y'know, i love to push things and i pushed too hard.

this voice. its been my companion since i was born i think. lol. lately its taken on the form of my mother. if i dont do anything during my day that i feel like my mom would see as productive, which is often, i feel even worse. the voice i have, tells me that im shit. that i dont deserve my friends and that i deserve to be alone. its really rough. i bounce between wanting a normal friendship relationship thing to closing myself off because omg, i must be annoying the shit out of this person and theyre just humoring me by hanging around and they dont actually care.

ah, here i go again, i feel like im repeating the same stuff over and over again. how annoying. whatever small sliver of security i had before, its gone. and that feeling, terrifies me. now, i just feel like a black hole that sucks everything i can into it. and as much as i would love to fall apart, i have a child that needs me and im his only person that understands him and hes the only thing thats tying me to this earth. if i lose him, well, you wont be hearing from me ever again. i think my mind will finish breaking whatever is left. 

eh, maybe i'll send the link to my friends. and i'll put my link up in other places quietly. it wouldnt hurt right? do i really deserve that though? is it really the wisest choice? to let others into my thoughts? well, i guess its too lae because it's on the internet now so... oh well.